Saturday, 1 December 2012

Grief - One Month On

It's one month today since Mark died.

There's been so much to do - organising the funeral, contacting family and friends, writing the eulogy, cancelling appointments which were already in the diary for November, ringing people to apologise for the missed appointments during the time that Mark was in hospital etc. I had no idea that death brought so many issues to be resolved, so many pieces of paper to be filed and forms to complete. I have to be honest, I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by it all. 

My feet haven't really touched the ground yet at the same time, I somehow don't feel as if I've moved at all. It feels quite surreal but I have the sensation that I'm standing in the middle of events without actually being part of any of it, as if I'm just watching some weird 'fly on the wall' documentary and at some point I'll turn the TV off and get back to my real life. I think I may be experiencing the effects of shock.

The only time any of this has felt 'real' was on the actual day of the funeral, when I saw the coffin in the back of the hearse as we left the house and I suddenly realised that Mark was inside it. I felt as if I'd been kicked in the chest.

My friends have all been amazing. They've been around the whole time, without ever making me feel suffocated, yet at the same time, they've also given me the privacy and the space to simply collapse in a heap when I've needed to. At various stages they've shopped and cooked for me, cajoled and comforted me and most importantly, they have listened to me and allowed me to ramble on and on without ever complaining that I'm repeating myself or talking gibberish, which I'm sure I must be. 

I'm really very fortunate to have them.