Tuesday, 4 June 2013

The Dead of Night

It's 3.30am and I'm already awake and crying. I miss my husband such a lot. It never really gets any easier, to be honest. 

In fact, apart from last October/November, when Mark became ill and died, these last two months have been the most difficult two months of my whole life. 

There are such a lot of 'firsts' around this time of year - Mark's birthday, Father's Day, our first wedding anniversary. I'm trying hard to be 'normal' but it's a struggle.

Everyone says that this first year is the most difficult. They say the first anniversaries/milestones are the most painful and it gets easier after this. I hope they're right. 

Friends keep telling me that I'm "doing really well" so I suppose I must be but it's difficult to get any perspective at 3.30am. 

Worries are magnified and nightmares become real at 3.30am. At 3.30am, you realise that there really are monsters lurking beneath your bed.

It's too early to be the morning, too late to still be the night before. Everyone else is asleep.

3.30am is the dead of night. I've always hated it.