Saturday, 9 July 2016

From Roots to Boots!

A few months ago, I began to realise that I am nearing that time of life (27) when I'm going to have to start wearing make-up to hide my MASSIVE WRINKLES.  As each attempt to apply some made me look more & more like a clown, I quickly reached the conclusion that professional input was required so I impulsively booked myself onto a three hour make-up tutorial/course.

I thought it would be a bit of a lark; that I might learn some useful tips while having a bit of a giggle but instead I was completely bewildered by some of the mind-boggling things that were said. I thought you might like to hear them too.

Things I learned in my make-up lesson today:

1. A 'basic' brush set consists of 8-12 make-up brushes and is likely to set you back £200 (I'm not even joking. I'd want a flipping car for that much money! 😳)

2. You should NEVER leave the house without wearing concealer & mascara, even if you're only going to the corner shop for milk (because apparently this is the time you will bump into that 'hot guy' you've been daydreaming about for months)

3. ALL WOMEN need to perfect the 'five minute routine' for occasions when said 'hot guy' will ring you to say he's on his way over for a coffee (assuming you were daft enough to give some random idiot at the corner shop your phone number & address)

4. Contouring isn't about being fat or thin (said whilst directly eyeing up my fattest bits). It's only ever about accentuating your best bits (which by definition are unlikely to be your fattest bits)

5. ALL WOMEN ought to have their 'colours done' because we can't possibly navigate our way through life unless we know whether we're Spring, Summer, Autumn or Winter.

6. We should ALL change our look every day. Some days we might want a muted look (that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to speak) whereas on other days, we might want to 'grab life by the throat and make it take notice'. (Apparently 'grabbing life by the throat' primarily involves the wearing of red lipstick. Who knew it would be that easy!)

7. We should do our make-up and THEN pick our outfit for the day because our make-up guides the outfit selection (this has nothing to do with whatever happens to be clean/ironed/within arms reach/the least stinkiest thing from the bedroom floor etc).

8. If our faces and our outfits match, we are 'channelling a look' and it's very important that we do this 'from roots to boots' if we want to be TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

9. If you are trying to lure 'hot guys' from nightclubs, like some deranged stalker-type wifey, you will need SMOKEY EYES. They will make you win at everything in life. Seriously, everything!

10. In the main, it's best to 'live within one palette' to obtain each look however, it's occasionally acceptable to throw caution to the wind and wear bright green eyeshadow with bright red lipstick. Apparently this is just like 'Christmas on your face'.

11. No matter how much you believe points 1-10 above, there is always a danger that your 'look' will turn out to resemble Pennywise the Clown.

17. If you come home wearing the clown face your cats are likely to run away from you and you will have to resort to buying them a £5.60 cooked chicken from the rotisserie in Asda in order to get them to come to you again.

B. It will take a good half hour to remove the Clown gunk from your face and you'll still find bits of it in your ear later that evening 😔

I hope you lot appreciate me. I only do this stuff so you don't have to 😒